Time for a Friday laugh

The last 30 hours or so have been a real bugger of a time as for professional and personal reasons, my mind has not been very far away from the nightmare in London.

To end the days posting, I decided to finish with a laugh and what better way to do so, than with a few jokes at the expense of my own profession.

Sadly however, in too many cases, they are not so much jokes, but statements of fact.

One consultant, told he was a pain in the neck, said he was glad to have been moved up.

Please don't tell my mother I'm a consultant. She thinks I play guitar in a strip joint.

Why are consultants like nuclear weapons?If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.


A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a monkey.The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.

"Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can sing" answers the store owner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told,

"That one costs $1500, because it can talk and translate 18 languages."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey.

"That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.

"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a consultant."



A guy is driving around in his Porsche in the countryside. He Stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says "I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me, and if I guess wrong, you get my car."

Shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees. "137" says the driver. "Damn me, you're right.", says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.

Man walks away, stuffs sheep in car, and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. "I've got a proposal for you. If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep." "Done", says the driver, counting up the number of nights he could be kept happy with 137 sheep.

"You're a consultant.", says the shepherd.

"Bloody hell, how did you guess?" "Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it. Now give me back my sheep- dog."


Top 10 Ways to Know You're A Consultant
10. Can't stop using words that don't exist.
9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.
8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're speaking a foreign language.
7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.
6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated.
5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by- two matrix.
3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert. 1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience.