My Ma always said, "Son, if you have nuttin to say, say nuttin at all".Actually she didn't say that, nor did she ever appear in Porgy and Bess. But I need to explain why I can't think of anything to write tonight, and if you need an excuse - always quote or blame your mum!
Now that I have got up the noses of half my audience, let me explain that I am safe as my mum never reads my blog. She did want to read it at one time, but I diplomatically told her it was too upmarket for her and didn't have any cartoons or "Spot The Ball" competitions.
"Well what do you write about then?" she asked as she rolled her stockings down to her ankles and hung on tight to the ciggie hanging from her mouth.
"Global business issues. World social, cultural and gender issues," I answered, trying to use as many good keywords as possible.
"How did you learn them things in Class 4B, Gasworks Terrace Primary school? You didn't even know where Dallas was until you saw that movie. And don't tell me you didn't see it. Mrs Henshaw down the fish and chip shop saw you sneaking in with dark glasses and a packet of Twisties with a hole in the bottom".
"Mater" I said, "I learned from the University of Life. School was merely an interruption to my education".
"Yeah, and your schooling got interrupted when they kicked you out after you made that teacher cry".
"She was a cow mater," I informed her. She clipped me round the ear and said something about having none of that language in her house. In point of fact, it's a "centrally chique" apartment and it's mine but it didn't seem the right time to get involved in realty or legal technicalities.
"So, who reads this blog or whatever you call it?"
"People who want to be informed".
"Why don't they just watch the telly or listen to talk back radio. I learn a lot from those. Do you know, it's a bloody disgrace, that's what it is."
"What is?" I asked.
"I dunno, but a man on the radio said it was, so it must be musn't it."
It was at that precise moment that I understood why I write the blog.
Wherever you may be - be safe
Photo: Another one of my non human neighbours.
