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I have always been pleased with my ability to cope with negatives. For some time I have been having a bit of a tussle with Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. To be honest, it has not caused me too much concern. Even when I first heard the news, it made little impact on my attitude.
Don't get the wrong idea, there was and still isn't, anything "brave" about it. It's just some sort of in-built safety valve that seems to kick in when needed.
When my dad died, even though we were very close and it was I who found him dead, I did not feel the grief everyone expected off me. The funeral in fact caused consternation to many, it was so light-hearted and matter-of-fact. Sure, there are regrets, especially in relation to his last day alive, but that is to be expected and I can accept and cope with that concept.
But the death of my good friend Lorraine is somehow different. I miss her and when I see her name on the online memorial at the funeral home, I can not believe it is the same Lorraine I knew. I still have her name on my MSN list - and as far as I am concerned, that is the only place it should be.
I know it is illogical, and it is not the way I would normally react.
I keep thinking that my little mate is in a hole with six foot of earth on top of her, while scum like this are still breathing.
I know I will get there, and I know the way I feel is not what she would want. It is not what I want.
But for now, that's the way it is.
Wherever you may be - be safe