Some of my regular readers - the ones who haven't been put off by posts about dancing boats and talking pillows - will know that I like to go for a late afternoon walk. My route varies but more often than not the return journey involves a walk along a busy main road.Invariably I pass a female cyclist coming along the footpath, heading in the opposite direction, (the point where I usually meet her is shown in the photo).These brief, unscheduled meetings have now led to smiles and waves of recognition.
If I were a free agent, (which my brain tells me I now am, but my heart tells me something different) I would be faced with an interesting dilemma. Exactly how does one strike up a conversation with a cyclist whooshing past at 30 mph?
Do I start calling out, "Hello darling" when she is about 30 yards away, or do I turn my head after she passes and yell out, "By the way, your bum doesn't look big in those shorts!" Yes, I realise it is not exactly subtle but I'm fifty-one and don't have time to hang about. - my way of thinking is that we can work on the niceties later - after the footy has finished.
I suppose I could be crafty and somehow manoeuvre myself into a position where she knocks me over. That would be rather handy because my right knee has been bothering me for sometime, and if I could link my to knee to the accident, perhaps her insurance would cover physiotherapy.
Seeing me sprawled helpless on the footpath, she would rush to my aid, hold my head in her hands and ask, "are you all right?"
Incidentally, why is that when you are writhing on the ground in agony, everyone asks, "are you all right?". If you were all right, you wouldn't be lying on the bloody ground in the first place. Of course I am too sophisticated and subtle to tell her that; I would merely lie there and groan, "Um, yes I think so. Mother? Is that you Mother? Where am I?" before putting a brave face on things. - smiling through the pain sort of thing.
That's the theory anyway, but no doubt the reality would be she would say something along the lines of, "Why didn't you get out of the way you dumb wanker," and I'd reply, "Why don't you ride on the road like you're supposed to?"
That's OK too. In fact that's my "Plan B". How many Hollywood movies have you seen where two people start off disliking each other and before long they are somewhere overlooking Los Angeles, locked in a passionate embrace while Elton John sings in the background.
By heck, it may have been a long time since I chatted up a female - but I reckon I still have the patter and the style to do it. I always was a Sensitive New Age Guy.
