Mike's 'Ten Point Guide To Women'

The other day on this blog, I did my bit to help kids understand the world a little better than perhaps they did before. Apart from three "Mommy bloggers" from America's Bible Belt having heart attacks, two fathers putting out contracts on my head, and one attempt to have this blog added to one of those, "not suitable for kids" filter systems that do the job parents should be doing in the first place, I thought it went rather well.

OK, so the 15 kids that took my advice and who are now grounded for the rest of their natural lives may not agree; nor perhaps would the two in Juvenile Hall - but I reckon I have a lot to offer the kids of the world and will continue to pass on my wisdom.

My next lesson tackles a tricky subject and is for boys only.

"Ten Point Guide To Women"

OK lads, get ready to take notes.

(1) Never look disparagingly at the rice pudding your wife/partner/girlfriend has just made, and then ask if she would like your mum to show her how to cook it properly. If you do, you can forget about having any afters - and I'm not talking ice cream here.

(2) If you are a sports fan and you invite a girl to a sporting event, do not follow the example of a friend of mine. He invited the object of his desire to a soccer match and with a girlish, dreamy smile she accepted. Nigel was a season ticket holder, she was not. He sat in Block D while she had to sit in Block B. Suffice to say, it was not only his team that failed to score that day.

(3) If you get the feeling something is wrong and ask, "Are you OK darling?" and she responds, "I'm fine," do not breathe a sigh of relief and say, "Oh that's all right then. I'll just be off down the pub in that case." When a woman says, "I'm fine," especially in a certain tone of voice, it really means, "Danger, danger, Will Robinson" and you should quickly try to recall everything you may have done wrong over the last ten years.

(4) If you tell a woman she is attractive, don't push the issue. I am assured by a forty-something female friend that she was not overly impressed by an admirer who told her she was attractive - then added, "I bet you were stunning when you were younger".

(5) Beware of bra straps. I find it easier to say I have arthritis and would she mind taking it off herself. I adopted this strategy after managing to get my watch caught in a bra strap, forcing the lady in question to suggest, "I think I'd better do that don't you dear?." Gee, for the amount I was paying she could have sounded a little less patronising!

(6) This next part is "Australia-specific." For boys in Australia - trust me - American women don't like flies going up their nose or in their mouth. Also, If you buy an American female an Australian meat pie in a pub, once she has bitten into it be prepared for questions such as, "What the hell is that supposed to be?" Just tell her what it is supposed to be and not what it actually is - especially if she likes cats.

(7) Women talk in code. For example, "Darling, I've been thinking. Perhaps we could...?" actually means, "This is what we are going to do."

(8) Women make misleading statements. To give you an idea of what I mean, picture this scene. You are walking down the High street and pass a shoe shop. Your partner stops, looks in the window and tells you, "I'll just pop in here - I wont be a minute". Boys - that statement has less credibility than "Mission Accomplished".

(9) It doesn't always pay to be polite to women. I found that out the hard way. If you work with a devout feminist who takes time off from work to go to the hairdresser, never say, "Your hair looks nice" when she returns.

I did that in 1984 when working for the Australian Development Administration Board. The Germaine Greer wannabe filed a complaint on the grounds that I wouldn't have made such a statement to a male! Ironically, a few months later she tried to flirt with me while pissed out of her mind at the Christmas party - a move I countered by telling her, "I would be more interested if you did something about your hair."

(10) Always let a woman go first. Not only will she be impressed with your sensitive new age guy chivalry - you also get to have a good look at her bum.

Are there any questions? No Billy, you can't take algebra instead because it's easier to understand. Stick with it lad - it's worth it in the end.