Mike's Words of Wisdom for Kids

Last night's post told the sad and sorry tale of how as a young, naive lad, my dreams of soccer glory were snatched away in a few blinks of an eye lid.

Aaaw.

Standing on the edge of the penalty box with just the goalkeeper to beat, my legs were hacked from under me - an incident ignored by the referee who was the sports master of the school we were playing against.

I also mentioned that I learned a few valuable lessons that day. If any kids who read that post are wondering what I learned that chilly, winter morning - I will tell you. These are lessons that should be taught in the home and in every school.

Are you listening kids? You at the back - pay attention. Mary stop passing notes to Billy. He has never liked you and never will so move on kid.

Lesson One: life is not some touchy-feely movie filled with characters with white as tombstones teeth - this is reality TV. Rough, tough, unkind, unfair and with no Walt Disney hero to rescue you.

Lesson Two: Danny - stop banging David's head on the desk - this is Sydney, we can't afford new desks.

Forget all that patronising crap your parents and other teachers tell you about the meek shall inherit the earth. That's a load of bollocks. The meek will roll around on the edge of the penalty box of life groaning in agony, while some other bastard gets all the glory.

Lesson Three: Yes Susan, you can go to the bathroom but leave your cigarettes behind. Oh, you don't need to go now?

If you see the goal and someone is standing in your way - nail the bastard. Whatever it takes. Don't just nail them - make sure they wont be able to recover and have a chance to hack your legs from under you, because as sure as eggs are eggs, that is what they will try to do.

Lesson Four: Larry, what have I told this class about picking noses? If you are going to do it at least pick your own and not Simon's.

Make sure you have good contacts on your side - others will and will use them without a moments thought.

Lesson Five: Jane, stop telling me you are going to tell your dad about me. If your mum doesn't know who your dad is, I'm sure you wont either.

If you get chopped down, remember who did it. "Vengeance is mine" sayeth the Lord, and if it's good enough for the big guy, it's good enough for you.

Lesson Six: Do unto others as they would do unto you. But do it first and make sure they don't get up again.

Finally, remember the word "ME" and for those of you in the New South Wales education system, next time I will teach you how to spell it.

That's it kids, you can run along now. But don't forget tomorrow's class on manners. The concept of inconveniencing yourself for the benefit of some wanker you've never met before; often resulting in some miserable old git who pays half fare on the bus and is only going to bingo, getting a seat while you stand all the way to work in order to pay taxes that subsidise their senior citizens travel discount.

I always have been good with kids.