The Grubs: No stone unturned - no airport departed

According to a BBC article dated May 22, you stated your intention to, "travel wherever is necessary" in your search to find Madeleine. That is very commendable Gerry.

Just out of curiosity, have you had much luck finding Madeleine on the road to and from the airport? You know - the place you use to pick up and drop off friends - but others use to actually go somewhere. Malta for example.

Since you completed your grand tour of Europe, the only times you have used it for the purpose it was intended, were whirlwind visits to the UK. Business completed, you then shot through like a Bondi tram shouting, "A dingos got my wallet".

It now seems you are determined to remain in Portugal which is rather convenient if you don't have any other choice.

I notice there are a whole range of events being organised to raise money for the campaign, including a balloon release in Beirut, Lebanon on Saturday July 14. I am sure the Lebanese will be thrilled with that and will make it their number one priority. Will you and Kate be attending? Or will others do the work for you?

I realise you and Kate are grieving and that your public grief grows as donations and interest dwindle - and you may find these events too traumatic for you to attend.

Maybe that is why you couldn't keep your hands off 'Er Indoors, knockers when photographed outside a church. Of course, you could just be a tacky little bastard.

Have you ever read any of my articles on Lebanon? Perhaps the one entitled Suffer Little Children: Lebanese children play to tackle war trauma?

I thought you might have read it considering you have acquired a passionate interest in other people's children ever since the fund raising campaign was launched.

The United Nations estimates that at the end last years conflict on 14 August, a third of the 1,189 Lebanese casualties and up to 45 percent of the million displaced were children.

Almost half a million children homeless. Almost 400 dead.

Perhaps the homeless children can pass the time away releasing your pretty little balloons to raise money for a campaign intended to assist two wealthy, property owning parents who left their children unattended while they got pissed every night at a Tapas bar.

May I ask you another question?

You have a newly appointed campaign manager, you recently collected a friend from the airport who runs the campaign in Amsterdam, and you have media advisers.

What exactly do you do?

I don't mean to be funny, but what's the point of buying a dog then barking yourself? After all these people are professionals. They are used to organising campaigns, PR exercises and rallying support.

You are not.

I realise they have to float whiz bang, blue sky ideas by you for approval - but apart from being a mouthpiece now and then - what other role do you play?

Do you attend any of the fund raising events others have worked hard to organise on your behalf? I can't recall too many except for the high profile photo opportunities.

Don't you think a personal appearance by you and/or Kate would put more bums on seats which in turn would lead to more hands in pockets? Of course I realise that a "sponsored toddle in Ipswich on July 17" is not quite the same as meeting the Pope, but I didn't see him put his hand in his pocket to help the fund or bake any cakes. Maybe the Vatican could raffle a painting in order to help their newly aquired poster children.

I like the idea of the sponsored toddle. I bet all the proud mums will be there watching over the little mites and hoping they wont fall over or get hurt. Mums and dads tend to worry about toddlers when they are not close at hand.

Even if they aren't perfect.