This is the British Bulldust Corporation reporting from Cloud Cuckoo Land

Jane Hill, an alleged reporter for the British Bulldust Corporation, an alleged media organisation famous for painting the shell of a tortoise, making rockets out of toilet roll cylinders and crafting Advent crowns out of coat-hangers with lit candles on the end, is in Portugal to provide unbiased coverage of the McCanns and their tragic, heartbreaking anguish.

Almost from the beginning, she uses her Media Studies degree to full effect to describe Madeleine.

"A blonde, blue-eyed girl - perhaps looking a little younger than her four years - wearing a pink nightdress, or pictured on a tennis court wearing a floppy hat and clutching tennis balls."

Of course she looked a little younger than four years, you daft bat - Madeleine wasn't four until after the McCanns abandoned her.

"All the while one young couple from Rothley in Leicestershire have waited and waited, hoping that their elder daughter will be returned to them. But they have been far from idle during these long days and weeks. They've visited numerous European countries to publicise their daughter's disappearance, and the images of the Pope blessing a photo of Madeleine at the Vatican is now famous."

Change that to "infamous". I agree, they haven't been idle. You mention how far they have travelled, but you make no mention of what they actually achieved. Is that because the Portuguese police wont allow you to say anything - after all, that's the usual excuse.

"The law of judicial secrecy, which prevents the release of details of an ongoing inquiry, means that what information emerges about the case is either a leak - or fabricated by an unscrupulous press in the knowledge that few inaccuracies printed or broadcast are corrected by the authorities. There is still only one named suspect in the case, though he has not been charged or arrested."

"Fabricated by an unscrupulous press in the knowledge that few inaccuracies printed or broadcast are corrected by the authorities." Ah, you mean they should have followed the example of the BBC, after they were forced to repeatedly apologise for their deliberate inaccuracies in recent media scandals.

Murat has not been charged or arrested because there is no evidence against him. The only "evidence" comes from the finger-pointing pack rat liars of the McCann group, and cub reporters such as yourself. After all, there wasn't any blood found in his villa was there?

"The garden was hacked through and the press helicopter went up to try to obtain a better view of what was going on. But a search initially touted as lasting up to four days ended after only two."

Hang on to your skirt Jane - the wind is blowing and your desperation is showing.

"These stories have resulted in Kate and Gerry McCann giving interviews explaining how distressing and unhelpful such innuendo is."

Such innuendoes were not exactly helpful to Robert Murat and his poor elderly mum. But you don't give a toss about the, "sad loner" do you? - just two parents practising "relaxed parenting," or as I call it, "relaxative parenting" as they give you the you-know-whats.

"They have been compelled to justify their behaviour on the night Madeleine disappeared, and that of the friends they were on holiday with."

Any unemployed couple living on the Jasmine Allen Estate, would have been compelled to justify their decision to leave three children aged three and under unattended, while they buggered of for Karaoke Night down at the Dog and Duck. The next thing such a couple would potentially have to do, would be to say goodbye to their other children as they were taken in to care.

"Many Portuguese papers have suggested in no uncertain terms that it's time for the couple to return to Britain."

Gerry likes his football so let me clarify that statement in a sporty manner. While Kate was singing, "We shall not be moved" the locals were singing "Go home ya bums, go home ya bums" to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. Personally, I would be willing to start a fund to bankroll a, "Send the selfish bastards back home" campaign.

"Yet when I met them this week, they remained resolute that they can't leave Portugal without their daughter."

Trim most of that sentence Jane and just leave, "they can't leave Portugal". Accuracy would make a change for the BBC.

"I and so many other journalists will return home in the coming days to cover other stories, to resume our lives."

Resume your lives? What a pity Madeleine can't say the same.

She could have though - quite easily.

Just like thousands of other children return home safely from holiday. After all, thousands of other parents look after their children - why couldn't your heroes follow the example of the responsible parents instead of selfish two-bit-tossers like themselves?

Don't worry Jane, if you ever want a job in Australian media, a local newspaper is looking for someone to cover the Over-75s Tiddlywinks Championships. You could be their under-study.