The McCanns: Come in spinner

On the basis of two posts made long before Britain's two most famous swingers made the headlines for being Britain's most famous and protected dead-beat parents, it has been suggested that I am psychic. In that case, I shall get out the crystal ball that I keep next to my plastic teeth and tell Gerry and Kate what the future has in store for them - and I don't mean their dubious online store.

Gerry, I predict you will not return to work. That was never an option was it? Neither was the lie detector test you so bravely offered to take. It was just part of the great plan to canonise Gerry McCann, the boy from nowhere.

Initially the headlines proclaimed, "Gerry set to return to work." However, as with so many other things in the past, that has now been softened and words such as, "consider" and that awful word, "mulls" have crept in to prepare the way for an escape route.

We all saw the initial reaction to your plan - especially the controversy over who will pay the bill for a prime suspect in a criminal investigation to be given police protection - presumably by the same police force who are involved in the investigation. Who knows what the reaction would be if you were also being interviewed in relation to another matter.

Do you have your next statement already prepared Gerry? You know, the one that says, "While Mr McCann is anxious to return to work, he is also well aware of the cost to the taxpayer and the inconvenience caused to the public, patients and staff of Glenfield Hospital. Mr McCann feels this would be an unfair and intolerable burden on the plebs - I mean the public, and with much regret, has postponed his return to work indefinitely."

Team McCann would be naive and incompetent enough to believe the public would fall for this - and regrettably, some would. The sort who are being treated at Glenfield Hospital suffering from terminal gullibility. Such a "dignified" retreat would also save both yourself and local health authorities, a few embarrassing explanations.

Of course you could say, "We'll show that little Aussie bastard" and go ahead with the plan regardless. I wouldn't put that past you either.

Kate, you want to give up your job and embark on a career in child welfare? That's never going to happen and you know it. What a person says they intend doing, doesn't always reflect the reality of the situation. In any case, judging from information I have received from reliable sources, you should be more concerned with the welfare of your own children.

Your mum, who for so long kept in the background, is now giving more interviews than a writer with a new book on the market. The interviews have been carefully crafted to sell a certain image. Very maternal is your mum - and she and Madeleine appear to have had a close relationship. Gets on well with the twins too no doubt. I bet you talked a lot about the twins and their future when you and John McEnroe recently paid a timely visit to the old folks back home.

Incidentally Kate, why is it that the faces of the twins are now hidden - It never happened in Portugal. Even when you returned to Rothley, the family photo opportunities you were so keen to embrace in the Algarve continued. Is it a coincidence that protection of the twins only became a concern after the visit of Leicester social services?

Oh yes, we all know about your alleged invitation to social services to pop in for a nice cosy chat with a cup of tea and a couple of fruitcakes, but you would say that, wouldn't you? Agencies such as social services can not comment on individual cases, therefore you made the claim safe in the knowledge that you had nothing to lose. After all, you of all people would know how the system works.

One more thing. Back in June I suggested a scheme virtually identical to your planned 24 hour hotline staffed by private investigators. Why has it taken your team of high profile professionals so long to come up with a simple idea that would have been obvious to a Sydney schoolkid?

Why is it so appropriate now and not earlier when the case was "hot". Is it a matter of convenient timing with the expected arrival of overseas visitors? So many of your ideas are a matter of convenience that they belong in a public one.

I understand you are targeting "remote" areas - and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why. With public opinion now well and truly against you, your main target market has run dry, so you are now targeting markets that are perceived to be ripe for the picking. It also fits the game plan of bluffing it out until the end.

However, if you are serious about raising awareness in "remote" areas, the offer of high level media exposure in a country identified by the UN as a major gateway for child trafficking still stands. The offer you refused to acknowledge not once, not twice - but three times. If you are interested, drop me an email and I will act as an intermediary. Don't worry, I wont charge; you wont have to rustle up a tanner or even a penny.

You owe a little girl a debt you can never repay.

* The title of this post refers to Come In Spinner, an Australian novel by Dymphna Cusack and Florence James, originally published in 1951, and set in Sydney, Australia at the end of the second World War. The title refers to a phrase used in the Australian gambling game of two-up.